I wonder if we made the right decision.
I wonder if you regret the end?
I wonder what could have been.
I wonder what our weekend in Seattle would have been like.
I wonder but it doesn't seem to do me any good. I haven't seemed to have gained anything by my wondering mind.
I still wonder what I will do the day you find my replacement. I wonder if it will hurt as bad as I imagine.
I wonder if I'll make it through this. I wonder if there is someone else out there that I could ever possibly love. I wonder if there is anyone out there to possibly love me.
I wonder when my heart will heal and I wonder when people bring you up...will I ever not get get tears in my eyes?
I wonder if you will ever see how much you miss me and come back. I wonder why I still dream about that happening.
I wonder if I'll ever stop missing you, and if my heart will ever become whole again.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Dear you...
I'm flawed. I say some really mean stuff when I'm in a fight. You are flawed, at any sign of trouble you bail. Just like i say dumb stuff you run. Do you know how bad it hurts to know i would have done anything to make it work, to keep us together and that you didn't even want to try? I don't put all the blame on you. I did my share, but you didn't seem to care how sorry i am for what i said. instead you sent me a text, not even a phone call, to tell me its over.
when did i become the girl that doesn't deserve a phone call? when did i become the girl you couldn't stand to talk to? when did i become the girl you treat like you hate? I'm the same old chanel that you feel in love with. I'm still the girl you said you wanted to marry on our first date at the crowne. Did you forget who i am? that text was so mean. It literally broke me. Not only did i lose my soul mate, but i felt like i wasn't worth anything. Am i so horrible you cant stand to talk to me? If i am, I'm truly sorry.
I'm starting to think i made it all up in my mind. Maybe you were just a dream about my life. I found this video....
I don't think you will ever come back to me. I know you too well to expect you to ever think you may have been even slightly wrong in this situation. Lord knows you made it very clear i shouldn't come to you.
For what it is worth, which probably isn't a lot, I am sorry. I am sorry for snapping when you said you weren't coming out to visit me that weekend. I'm so sorry for my actions that night.
If i could change it, i would. I cant change what i said though, and i cant change your actions either. I do hope that the song in the video happens in my life, but maybe this song isn't for you.
Maybe i need to start healing so whoever is running I'll be ready for? ugh
I don't ever want to love again I think i used up a lifetime of love on you. I'm a broken mess who loves a man that doesn't want to be with me. I have changed, I'm sorry i lied earlier in this post. I don't think I'll ever be the same since you came into my life. You have changed me, and for that, for that i.hate.you. Because now i know what it feels like to love. I counted on that love, i became dependent on that love. Now that i no longer have it, I'm lost. Your love is my crack. I'd do whatever to have one last hit of it.
when did i become the girl that doesn't deserve a phone call? when did i become the girl you couldn't stand to talk to? when did i become the girl you treat like you hate? I'm the same old chanel that you feel in love with. I'm still the girl you said you wanted to marry on our first date at the crowne. Did you forget who i am? that text was so mean. It literally broke me. Not only did i lose my soul mate, but i felt like i wasn't worth anything. Am i so horrible you cant stand to talk to me? If i am, I'm truly sorry.
I'm starting to think i made it all up in my mind. Maybe you were just a dream about my life. I found this video....
I don't think you will ever come back to me. I know you too well to expect you to ever think you may have been even slightly wrong in this situation. Lord knows you made it very clear i shouldn't come to you.
For what it is worth, which probably isn't a lot, I am sorry. I am sorry for snapping when you said you weren't coming out to visit me that weekend. I'm so sorry for my actions that night.
If i could change it, i would. I cant change what i said though, and i cant change your actions either. I do hope that the song in the video happens in my life, but maybe this song isn't for you.
Maybe i need to start healing so whoever is running I'll be ready for? ugh
I don't ever want to love again I think i used up a lifetime of love on you. I'm a broken mess who loves a man that doesn't want to be with me. I have changed, I'm sorry i lied earlier in this post. I don't think I'll ever be the same since you came into my life. You have changed me, and for that, for that i.hate.you. Because now i know what it feels like to love. I counted on that love, i became dependent on that love. Now that i no longer have it, I'm lost. Your love is my crack. I'd do whatever to have one last hit of it.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
boxes
I know you think I mailed you every imaginable thing from my casa that reminds me of you. I didn't.
The morning at the dav when you woke me up to my favorite coffee, and on the straw was the note "marry me chanel" I put that in a special place.
One time when you visited for work, you came downstairs and wrote on a sticky note that you love me. I kept that.
The love letters given to me because you couldnt find the words to express how you felt about me. I also saved those. I saved every book you gave me.
I saved all of the really important things. I hold on to them, close to my heart, in an attempt to grasp any tiny shred of our love that may still linger on it. Hoping that if there is some still there, that I can absorb it. Its totally stupid i know. You became home for me. and know I feel so totally lost without you. I feel like you took this chunk of my being and I am unprepared for that. You were home, now this apt doesnt feel the same. Remember in butte when you were swimming in the pool talking and laughing. That is the real us. and now Im searching for who i am.
I love you.
Im waiting for the day I see you at work and I bust out singing it.
The morning at the dav when you woke me up to my favorite coffee, and on the straw was the note "marry me chanel" I put that in a special place.
One time when you visited for work, you came downstairs and wrote on a sticky note that you love me. I kept that.
The love letters given to me because you couldnt find the words to express how you felt about me. I also saved those. I saved every book you gave me.
I saved all of the really important things. I hold on to them, close to my heart, in an attempt to grasp any tiny shred of our love that may still linger on it. Hoping that if there is some still there, that I can absorb it. Its totally stupid i know. You became home for me. and know I feel so totally lost without you. I feel like you took this chunk of my being and I am unprepared for that. You were home, now this apt doesnt feel the same. Remember in butte when you were swimming in the pool talking and laughing. That is the real us. and now Im searching for who i am.
I love you.
Im waiting for the day I see you at work and I bust out singing it.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Can't even put this into words
I am just sad over this. I didn't know that my whole body could hurt because of a broken heart. What a stupid phrase "broken heart" that doesn't even begin to describe the pain and anguish that has taken over me. If you know me then you know there is nothing I hate more than crying, well as it turns out I haven't stopped in over a month. Yes, ladies and gentlemen I am "that girl." The girl that sees an email from him on a co-workers computer and bursts out in tears. The sad girl that comes home from an awesome day of work and can only think about how he is never going to greet me at the door. I'm the girl that writes in her blog because she can no longer sleep at night. Every day my thoughts are consumed by this. I keep reliving the past, the moments of joy, the surprises, letters, flowers, trips and love.
I miss when you loved me.
I miss when you held me.
I miss when you made me laugh.
I miss when you pissed me off.
I miss your obnoxious number of calls and texts during the day.
I miss seeing your picture pop up on my phone
I miss our morning prayers.
I miss us.
I hate that this is just a closed chapter in my life. If I had known I would have taken advantage of it so much more. I would have asked for one more kiss. I wouldn't have let you leave at the gas station in Butte. I would made you stay with me one more night. I would have sung one more song to you. I wouldn't take a minute back. It was too great. I should have known it would have to end. I was never happier.
My pastor talked about fears this weekend. I'm so afraid I'll never get over this. That I'll always be a little dead on the inside because of our sad goodbyes. I don't think people get over things like this. Do they? Can they? How do you do it? I don't hate you....and I HATE that! This would be so much easier if I could hate you.
God I hate crying. I need peace to sweep over me. I need God to just heal me. Please hurry God. How much longer will I be a shell of a girl that once was?
Current Play list:
Raindrops- Regina Spektor
You could be happy- Snow patrol
Samson-regina spektor
Your song- Elli Goulding
Nicest Thing- Kate Nash
I found a reason- Cat Powers
Jar of Hearts- Glee version (of course)
Little lion man- Munford & Sons
Faithfully- Glee
Sometime around midnight- The airborne toxic event
Aint no way- Glee
Dream- pricilla ahn
Everything will be alright- joshua radin
slow dancing in a burning room- john mayer
how long- missy higgins
I miss when you loved me.
I miss when you held me.
I miss when you made me laugh.
I miss when you pissed me off.
I miss your obnoxious number of calls and texts during the day.
I miss seeing your picture pop up on my phone
I miss our morning prayers.
I miss us.
I hate that this is just a closed chapter in my life. If I had known I would have taken advantage of it so much more. I would have asked for one more kiss. I wouldn't have let you leave at the gas station in Butte. I would made you stay with me one more night. I would have sung one more song to you. I wouldn't take a minute back. It was too great. I should have known it would have to end. I was never happier.
My pastor talked about fears this weekend. I'm so afraid I'll never get over this. That I'll always be a little dead on the inside because of our sad goodbyes. I don't think people get over things like this. Do they? Can they? How do you do it? I don't hate you....and I HATE that! This would be so much easier if I could hate you.
God I hate crying. I need peace to sweep over me. I need God to just heal me. Please hurry God. How much longer will I be a shell of a girl that once was?
Current Play list:
Raindrops- Regina Spektor
You could be happy- Snow patrol
Samson-regina spektor
Your song- Elli Goulding
Nicest Thing- Kate Nash
I found a reason- Cat Powers
Jar of Hearts- Glee version (of course)
Little lion man- Munford & Sons
Faithfully- Glee
Sometime around midnight- The airborne toxic event
Aint no way- Glee
Dream- pricilla ahn
Everything will be alright- joshua radin
slow dancing in a burning room- john mayer
how long- missy higgins
Monday, September 20, 2010
So wont you run with me tonight?
Ugh birthday this weekend. Uncontent with lifes events. Working to hard. Feel as if nothing is ever accomplished. Evaluating priorities. Lack of a love life makes me feel a little worthless. Hate that feeling. Love Sea Wolf.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Dear Influences,
To both the positive and negative, thank you.
I look back once again upon my journey to where I currently have arrived in life and I think "Oh geez." If it were to be tracked in terms of a drawing it would be all squiggles and mazes. That is the beauty, the essence of it. Never have I imagined I would end here in life. I live the banker dream in Billings Montana, with a solid successful beginnings of a career, my own place, two fish (which I love dearly) and new friends/family. It could have been a lot easier to reach this place, I could have taken the first plane out here after graduation. But as the late great Frank Sinatra would say, I did it my way. Not a wise move, but because I was foolish I gained wisdom. Not a loving moving (more of a move out of hurt and anger)but because of that I have learned to love deeper and stronger. And most importantly it was a move with a soul focus of me, and because it was selfish I have learned the importance of giving and of God.
There were times when I had no one else but him here. I was lost and hurt. No other words could describe the place I had brought my own heart to. It was me that made it that way. He held it and he worked it and now it is strong. It is powerful. My heart it whole, and pumping and giving and loving. It is seeking love out despite the fact I don't want it to. My inner hurt resentment and bitterness have made me hold on to something so dark and evil. But my heart shows me what it could be like. God shows me how great this love can be. And so I am reminded of my favorite scripture in the Bible, the one that all my dreams are placed upon, the verse my whole faith is founded upon: "The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love." Galatians 5:6
Fear, anger, frustration, envy and resentment have taken too much from me. It is time I grew up a little more and took on this idea of love seriously with abandonment. Seek out God everyday at work. Fight to find his love with my friends and coworkers. Continue to see his love in me. It is here that I find myself. It is here I am content.
I look back once again upon my journey to where I currently have arrived in life and I think "Oh geez." If it were to be tracked in terms of a drawing it would be all squiggles and mazes. That is the beauty, the essence of it. Never have I imagined I would end here in life. I live the banker dream in Billings Montana, with a solid successful beginnings of a career, my own place, two fish (which I love dearly) and new friends/family. It could have been a lot easier to reach this place, I could have taken the first plane out here after graduation. But as the late great Frank Sinatra would say, I did it my way. Not a wise move, but because I was foolish I gained wisdom. Not a loving moving (more of a move out of hurt and anger)but because of that I have learned to love deeper and stronger. And most importantly it was a move with a soul focus of me, and because it was selfish I have learned the importance of giving and of God.
There were times when I had no one else but him here. I was lost and hurt. No other words could describe the place I had brought my own heart to. It was me that made it that way. He held it and he worked it and now it is strong. It is powerful. My heart it whole, and pumping and giving and loving. It is seeking love out despite the fact I don't want it to. My inner hurt resentment and bitterness have made me hold on to something so dark and evil. But my heart shows me what it could be like. God shows me how great this love can be. And so I am reminded of my favorite scripture in the Bible, the one that all my dreams are placed upon, the verse my whole faith is founded upon: "The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love." Galatians 5:6
Fear, anger, frustration, envy and resentment have taken too much from me. It is time I grew up a little more and took on this idea of love seriously with abandonment. Seek out God everyday at work. Fight to find his love with my friends and coworkers. Continue to see his love in me. It is here that I find myself. It is here I am content.
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