Can't even put this into words

I am just sad over this. I didn't know that my whole body could hurt because of a broken heart. What a stupid phrase "broken heart" that doesn't even begin to describe the pain and anguish that has taken over me. If you know me then you know there is nothing I hate more than crying, well as it turns out I haven't stopped in over a month. Yes, ladies and gentlemen I am "that girl." The girl that sees an email from him on a co-workers computer and bursts out in tears. The sad girl that comes home from an awesome day of work and can only think about how he is never going to greet me at the door. I'm the girl that writes in her blog because she can no longer sleep at night. Every day my thoughts are consumed by this. I keep reliving the past, the moments of joy, the surprises, letters, flowers, trips and love.

I miss when you loved me.
I miss when you held me.
I miss when you made me laugh.
I miss when you pissed me off.
I miss your obnoxious number of calls and texts during the day.
I miss seeing your picture pop up on my phone
I miss our morning prayers.
I miss us.

I hate that this is just a closed chapter in my life. If I had known I would have taken advantage of it so much more. I would have asked for one more kiss. I wouldn't have let you leave at the gas station in Butte. I would made you stay with me one more night. I would have sung one more song to you. I wouldn't take a minute back. It was too great. I should have known it would have to end. I was never happier.

My pastor talked about fears this weekend. I'm so afraid I'll never get over this. That I'll always be a little dead on the inside because of our sad goodbyes. I don't think people get over things like this. Do they? Can they? How do you do it? I don't hate you....and I HATE that! This would be so much easier if I could hate you.

God I hate crying. I need peace to sweep over me. I need God to just heal me. Please hurry God. How much longer will I be a shell of a girl that once was?

Current Play list:

Raindrops- Regina Spektor
You could be happy- Snow patrol
Samson-regina spektor
Your song- Elli Goulding
Nicest Thing- Kate Nash
I found a reason- Cat Powers
Jar of Hearts- Glee version (of course)
Little lion man- Munford & Sons
Faithfully- Glee
Sometime around midnight- The airborne toxic event
Aint no way- Glee
Dream- pricilla ahn
Everything will be alright- joshua radin
slow dancing in a burning room- john mayer
how long- missy higgins